What do I have control over?

I don't know why I have cancer, and neither do the doctors. It's just one of those things that happen. Before I got sick, I've had a very healthy and active lifestyle. I've always tried to live my life with high moral standards and believed in universal karma. I've come to understand that sometimes the good and bad don't always balance out. Sometimes terrible things happen to good people as a result of no fault of their own. Life is unfair like that.

We don't have control over the awful things that happen and the deep pain that we experience, but what we do have control over is our attitude towards it. We can either go through life bitter and angry at the world, or we can accept the fact that something bad has happened to us, and move forward. I've chosen to do the latter. Don't get me wrong. I definitely have moments when I'm feeling down, but I try not to let those feelings take over my life because in the end feeling sorry for myself doesn't change anything.

I always thought that everything happened for a reason. I don't know if that's true anymore. Perhaps there is no important life lesson in all this. What am I suppose to take from this experience then? I'm not sure, but I can make it meaningful for me.

Throughout my life, I've always been very school oriented. Consequently, that didn't leave me much time for family and friends. As I got older, I let more time let slip by and unintentionally put those important people on the back burner. Having to abandon my dreams of a Ph.D. in Philadelphia, and returning to California for treatment of my cancer allowed me to rekindle these relationships. During this whole ordeal, I've had wonderful support from my amazing friends, my caring family, and my loving boyfriend. I'm so grateful to be surrounded by people who give me the courage to stay strong and help see me through this. This is what meaning I take.

Two of my close friends, Amy and Tammy, sent me beautiful fruit bouquets from Edible Arrangements. I'm not sure if you've ever noticed, but aside from the delicious fruit, kale is used as the greens at the base. Although it has a slightly bitter taste, it's very nutritional. I thought I wouldn't like it at all, but turns out, my taste buds love it.

Krispy "Kale" Chips (Courtesy of Melissa d'Arabian)

• 1 head kale
• 2 tablespoons olive oil
• Sea salt
• Black pepper 

Directions

1. Preheat the oven to 275 degrees F.
2. Washed and thoroughly dry kale. Remove the ribs and cut leaves into 1 1/2-inch pieces. 
3. Place leaves in a large bowl. Drizzle with olive oil. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Toss until completely coated. 
4. Arrange leaves in a single layer on a baking sheet . 
5. Bake approximately 10 minutes, or until crisp. 
6. Remove from oven. Turn the leaves and bake for additional 10 minutes, or until crisp. 
7. Serve as finger food. 

Chefs's Note: To ensure the kale chips remain crisp, place in sealed container. 

Uncooked kale leaves seasoned with olive oil, salt, black pepper (left). Kale chips (right). 

Cycle 2 - Carb Loading

I finished my 2nd cycle of chemo, and I'm now back at home. A cycle consists of 1 week in the hospital for my chemo treatment and 2 weeks at home resting. In total, I'll have 6 cycles. During this stay, the combination of all the stress and side effects of the medications on my body caused me to have low blood pressure, and I fainted in the shower.

In all honesty, I never thought that something like that would happen. This seems to be a recurring theme. Even though I knew to watch out for lightheadedness, and blurred/gray out vision, by the time I realized what was happening, it was already too late. It was a really scary experience, and the last thought I had was I need to unlock the bathroom door so that someone can find me. Thank goodness I was able to do that, and that someone did.

Considering what happened, I came out pretty lucky. I only had a few stitches on my chin and a bump on my head, and nothing more serious. I suppose me being unlucky and lucky goes hand in hand. In addition to the battle scars, I received the fancy yellow "fall risk" bracelet and socks and was confined to the bed for the rest of my hospital stay. I'm hoping that the 3rd cycle will be less exciting than the last one. I need some boring in my life.

On another note, I've really enjoyed eating toasted bread lately. I've found that it makes a good pairing with many foods such as peanut butter, eggs, and deli meats. With my lack of appetite, increasing my nutritional intake any way I can is a good thing. Plus, it seems to keep my nausea at bay and my tummy happy.

Bruschetta with Gorgonzola Cheese & Honey (Courtesy of Giada De Laurentiis)

• 1 loaf baguette bread 
• 1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil 
• 8 ounces Gorgonzola 
• 3 tablespoons honey 

Directions

1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F. 
2. Slice baguette into 1/2-inch thick diagonal slices. 
3. Brush bread with olive oil. Arrange on sheet pan in a single layer. 
4. Bake approximately 10 minutes until golden brown and crisp. 
5. Remove from oven and place cheese on toast. Bake for additional 3 minutes or until cheese is melted. 
6. Drizzle toast with honey. Serve immediately.